I Am Now A Prison Wife

I have debated on how and when I would tell my story... the story of my new life. In my last blog where I discussed the fact that prisons are breeding grounds for COVID-19 I mentioned that my life had taken a wild turn the last year. That is true, although the nightmare really started nearly four years ago. I should be really clear in the fact that my story is nothing as “exciting” as those that I have blogged about here that the majority of the time included a murder or two. But, going through what I have, and continue to go through, has given me new insight into the justice and prison system. I have also learned even more how every time someone commits a crime there is a ripple effect.

At this point I have not decided if I will go into the details of the crime that has turned my life upside down but I want to be clear that it has absolutely nothing to do with feeling scared or ashamed for myself or my husband. While I discuss the issue in my private life, I have gone out of my way not to discuss through social media or publicly out of respect for certain family members who have asked me not to do so. The fact of the matter is that doing this may in fact betray that trust. This is difficult for me though because my husband and I have always been the type of people who take things from our life and learn from them, but we then become educators and advocates so that others can learn also. The more people hide things, they less it allows others to evolve and learn. I will say that this particular crime has a stigma attached to it that only the opened minded are willing to ask questions and hear details. It seems however, no matter the crime there are always closed minded people who will never be willing to listen. I have often said that there is a fine line between an excuse and a reason and the closed minded will never see the line at all. Even still, like many things in life, this is one of the things that you may not fully understand until you are directly affected by it.

As I have often stated in my blogs I have always been fascinated with the justice system and within that realm true crime stories. I have always had a compassion about the law and I think through my blogs I have shown that. Quite often you have heard me say that for me the justice system was the important part and guilty or innocent how things are done is essential. I still believe that but what I have learned even more is that while often things are done by the law, it is the laws that are not always right.

Years ago I used to watch shows like Prison Wives and was amazed at how these women lived their lives never believing I would one day be one of those people. Now, here I am often waiting for a call that when I answer the phone I hear “You have a pre-paid call. You will not be charged for this call. This call is from …..... an inmate at a federal facility.” While I have often said many of the reality shows that are on television are dramatized, just like so many other things, I do have to say it was pretty close to reality, especially when it comes to visitation which I will get into in a bit.

First however I want to address the most common question that I am asked about this whole ordeal.... Why do I stay? The bottom line is that I love my husband and while yes, he has committed a crime, something neither he or I have ever shied away from or denied, his crime does not define him. We met in 2000, married in 2002 and this trial in our life began in 2016. It is not like I did not know him before all of this. It is that love that has kept me here. When everything came to light in November of 2016 it began with a knock on the door from the FBI. That alone was traumatizing and while information was gathered and interviews were done my husband was not arrested at that time, nor would he be for another eighteen months. In fact, we had almost began to believe that nothing would come of it but we had gone through the steps to make sure it did not happen again. At that time my husband offered to leave and offered to get divorced. I am not going to say I did not think about it. But, in the end I realized that getting a divorce would change nothing. At the time I did not work, and I had not done so in nearly a decade. I knew that would have to change. I also knew that I could not continue to afford to live in the home that we had. A divorce would not change those things. Either way I knew if we divorced, or he was sent to prison those two things would still remain true. He is, and has been the love of my life. Then there was the shame and fear of being judged. If his crime hit the media that too would not change anything. People that knew me would not see the news and say “Oh, that's her EX husband.” In the end I had to consider what was best for me despite what anyone else thought. And yes, I mean me, and me alone.

The second question that I am often asked about is my emotions. As things progressed I was once asked “Why aren't you mad?” Oh I was mad and trust me, he knew it but I quickly realized that being mad all the time did nothing but make me mad all the time. That was not productive. There were things to be done. I did not have time to be mad all the time. I had, and continue to have my moments, but I have them and then I put them away for a while just as I do with every other emotion that I have during all of this or anything else I have gone through in life.

As I stated earlier, this all began in November of 2016 with the FBI. We kept in contact with them over the next few months letting them know when my husband went into the hospital as well as when we moved from our home. My husband went into therapy and for the next eighteen months we lived with our new normal. We had been told that we would be contacted if the Attorney General got an indictment through a grand jury and he would have the opportunity to turn himself in. That did not happen. In May of 2018 U.S. Marshals surrounded my home and took him into custody. When they arrived they simply said there was a warrant for his arrest but they never showed one, nor did they state what the charges were. Of course we assumed we knew but it was three more days before he was taken before a judge and formally told the charges and what he could face. He spent ten days in the county jail before being released on house arrest. My husband is physically disabled and received Social Security Disability so we had multiple goals in getting him home. One was so that we could tend to his medical needs and secondly was so that we could take the time to get our finances in order. Looking back, while he would have gained time by staying inside we later learned it was a good decision for another reason. Had he remained inside rather than allowed to remain out as well as Self Surrender (the Bureau of Prisons contacts after sentencing with their destination for the person go directly to the destination) when he left the county jail he would have been sent first to Oklahoma, taking days to get there, for an undetermined amount of time. He would then be sent to another destination the same way he had gotten to Oklahoma. His physical health could not have tolerated that.

In the end he accepted what is called an open plea. This meant that the AG used the United State Guidelines (they give every crime a number and different things add and subtract numbers, the final number has a suggested amount of time) and was asking between 63 and 72 months (the federal system deals in months) and promised to ask for the “low end” of that. The open plea also meant that our attorney was allowed to argue for what he felt was fair and in the end the judge would be the one to decide alone with sentencing. The plea was taken not just because my husband knew he was guilty and the thought of a trial just seemed nothing short of asinine but I learned quickly that this is how prosecutors (or AG's) get their “wins.” If he had not signed the plea that they offered they threatened to add several charges. Legally they had the right to do so but had he taken things to trial he would have been facing more and one of the charges they threatened carried a mandatory minimum of five years. By taking things to trial there is a risk of making the AG and the judge angry and they just add on time to add on time.

It took another 15 months before sentencing would take place after the time of his arrest. Some of the delays had to do with the attorney's getting things in order while other delays were caused by the fact that the Government had a shutdown during the time we were trying to get sentencing done. Because he was not still incarcerated, was on house arrest without issues, and his crime was not a violent one his case kept being pushed back. The first sentencing was set for February of 2019 but was repeatedly delayed until July of 2019. During these 15 months he wore a bracelet on his ankle and was only allowed to leave home for therapy, medical issues and lawyer appointments. He did get permission to have three hours out while we moved into another home but that was all he was allowed in that time. In one respect we were lucky that he was disabled as the bracelet did not cost as much as it would have if he was working as it would have been a different type of bracelet.

At sentencing I have to give his attorney a little credit. Despite my frustration with him in other areas, he did make a good argument. He pointed out that by this time it had nearly been three years since this saga had begun, with the last 15 months on house arrest. He pointed out all of the therapy that my husband had been involved in (judge had letters) and other things. He told the judge “Anything more than 24 months would be punishing just for the sake of punishing.” Then it was the AG's turn. This was the same AG who had allowed my husband to remain free for 18 months without any charges or restrictions despite the fact that in November of 2016 evidence of his crime was apparent; this was the same AG who readily agreed to house arrest after he had been arrested. He stood up and told the judge that asking for 24 months was a joke because my husband was a “severe danger to society.” I wanted to jump up and laugh at him but obviously that did not happen. In the end the judge sentenced him to 48 months.... 4 years.

In the federal system you have to serve 85% of your time. That being said an inmate can get time off in a half-way house or home confinement for up to one year that still falls into the 85% because they are still considered to be in the BOP custody. However, nothing is ever discussed or even going until there are 18 months remaining on their sentence. A 48 month sentence meant with all probability he would serve 36 months inside with 4 additional months served either on home confinement or at a half-way house. Keep in mind that the 15 months he served on house arrest awaiting sentencing accounted for nothing. This was a “gift” from the AG as pre-sentencing release. Because of his disability his restrictions actually fell into their own description of “home incarceration” that does count, but because it was pre-sentencing it did not.

Once again, now the third time during this, we were told that we would be contacted about his destination and when to report but this did not happen. Allegedly, as I cannot say how it is supposed to work, since it did not in our case, you are to receive a letter (some say a call from the probation officer) stating where you were to go and a date that is generally two weeks to a month from that time. This gives you adequate time to prepare for one. For two, by doing this it is the inmates responsibility to get there and prepare transportation. In our case he received a phone call on a Monday afternoon from his probation officer stating there had been some “mix up” and he was supposed to have reported the Friday prior. It was obvious what with the bracelet they knew where he was during that time. He was then told he had until the end of the day on Tuesday to be at the destination, some six hours away. The bracelet also meant that we could not leave right away if we wanted to. We were required to be at the probation office early the next morning to have the bracelet removed so we could be on our way.

That was the longest trip of my life! After we had returned the bracelet we went and picked our grown son up to ride with us so I would not have to drive back alone. He stated all seemed fine until we hit the road that we knew we turned off to enter the prison. He said no one said a word and the car was completely silent. We said goodbye in the parking lot and our son walked inside with him. That was the last moment that he had any freedom what so ever even though his freedom had been gone for nearly a year and a half at that point.

So now I am one of those prison wives I used to watch on television. Unlike some, I do not let it completely control every second of my day, at least not most days. Until the quarantine began he emailed me every day and called me the two days a week that I was off work. With the quarantine, he calls every day mainly because they have given them extra minutes and allowed the calls to be free. I have gone to visit twice now. I try to go about every four months and I had just gone the end of February. Each visit is stressful in it's own way. You never know what is going to happen or who the guards will be. The guards are rarely friendly in any way and it always seems they have forgotten that it is not the visitors who are the prisoners in the way they speak to us. We first start out in a long line of cars outside the prison until we can go onto the grounds. Then we park and stand in line outside, no matter the weather, until they decide to unlock the doors and that seems to vary. On my last visit they used the ION scanner which is a machine that they touch you and your clothing in different areas and test it for drug residue. There have been many reports of false positives that have prevented people from visiting. Once the doors are unlocked it is like going shopping on Black Friday. Everyone tramples in, they rush to grab a paper and pen so they can fill out the paperwork as fast as possible. The faster you get it to the desk, the faster they can look it over, inform the inmate and you move on. Then you wait until your name is called. If they are using the scanner you hold your breath and then sigh in relief that you passed. Then you have to remove your shoes and add those, along with your key and money, (the only things your allowed to take in besides your ID that they keep until you leave) in a bucket and walk through a metal detector. You sigh in relief again once you get through there. Then it is just waiting for a group to gather so they will lead you to the other building that has the visitation room. There is another scramble to the vending machines to stock up while everyone waits for their loved one.

Since I drive so far and visitation is only on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays I go for the weekend and spend two nights at a hotel. I will not go on holidays because they are packed full and I do not want to be forced to leave early as they sometimes do as more people come in. I leave on Saturday and go to my hotel that is about thirty minutes away. I could be closer but I like where I stay because when I leave I leave the prison there. I go back again on Sunday morning and do it all over again before heading home on Monday. I do lots of retail therapy after each day of visiting.... and to be fair a little true crime sleuthing too as a famous true crime happened near where he is located. Let's see how many people read this far down and asks me what crime it was.

As time goes on I am hoping to become what I want to be... an educator and advocate but that is not happening just yet. I'm getting there emotionally though. This is not the life I ever intended to have, but it's the life that I have been dealt. I never expect anyone to agree with me or the decisions I have made but for the most part I have been faced with overwhelming support. During the 18 months between the investigation and the arrest there was maybe 10 or 12 people who knew what was going on, including our 3 children. We were lucky that it never hit the media but neither he nor I have been shy in sharing our story with friends, family and others when asked. I do not run out in the street and announce my business and as I stated I have not put anything publicly in social media at this point but it is my life.

Just as many of the Governors, when talking about the COVID-19 stuff says “We'll get through this together” so will my husband and I.